Financial Aid Gives All Students $3 and a PepsiCo Product as Apology for Thousands of Unoffered Aid Dollars

DAY HALL—Following the announcement of a federal lawsuit accusing Cornell of conspiring to withhold adequate financial aid, Cornell University has offered penance in the form of shelling out further to the university corporate sponsors.

“We know this looks bad, but we are committed to making things right,” said Director of Financial Aid Jenn Mackrel ‘84. “What these students don’t understand is that we do not have the budget to pay what we should have been paying this whole time. So, we have an alternative reward offer for all impacted students, which is generously supported by some gracious corporate benefactors. Even then, however, we can only offer about 300 cents and an extra perk. Unfortunately, we are all out of additional financial aid, is Pepsi okay?”

Cornell has been looking for ways to integrate sponsorship into student life. From making Bubly, the sad man’s LaCroix, available in most dining halls, to providing student credit internships union-busting for the confectionary giant, there has been an aggressive push to ensure students are as addicted to PepsiCo products as they are to stress. Unfortunately, this effort has not been without opposition from the student population.

“Three dollars and a Pepsi? Is that really all they’re offering?” asked dining hall worker Carl Hecker ‘21. “I’ve been filing financial forms for the majority of the past two years, and I find out Cornell has been offering me half of what I could’ve gotten because of prestige or something? I feel so incredibly disrespected. The very least they could’ve done is splurged for some Sprite or something.”

At press time, Cornell University is searching for additional options to potentially increase financial resources for students, including a “particularly intriguing” offer from RC Cola that would up the award by fifty cents and an extra can.

“Don’t You Evuh Fuck With Me Again,” Writes SAFC Officer to Anime Club in Anonymous Note After Treasurer Tries to Appeal $5,000 Request for Hentai on Blu-Ray

COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.”

 

“Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for any threats they might send my way during budget application season,” claimed Bergenson. “I heard rumors about a past SAFC officer called ‘Green Beans’ requiring ransom payments for kidnapped treasurers and sending severed animal heads to club officers so I’m not too worried about some little note. Though I am a bit concerned about how they were able to enter my apartment and slip the note under my door.”

 

Upon further inspection of his apartment, Bergenson discovered his favorite anime body pillow ripped to shreds, save the head which appeared to have a bullet hole in the forehead and blood staining the remaining fabric.

 

When asked for comment about recent threats made against club treasurers, SAFC’s new Director of Public Relations, Giovanni “Cannoli Cream” Trattoria ‘24 responded, “We at the SAFC believe that budget requests should be like a game of craps: fair and square. You play with fair dice? We’ll honor your requests, no problem. You throw us a loaded roll? Be prepared for you and your little club to face the consequences.”

 

As of press time, Bergenson was seen sending a second appeal for the hentai budget request, and shortly after, returning home to three burly suit-clad men surrounding a bucket of water, an elevated bench, and a dry cloth.

Shocking! Financial Aid Department Actually Just Three Cats Dressed Like Martha Pollack Swiping At A “Postpone Aid Award” Button All Day Long

DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day.

“I thought there would be actual people running the fin aid office,” Talbot confessed, “but I guess between Covid and budget cuts they just couldn’t afford it. Although I do think that if they were to hire any animals, you can’t get anyone more apathetic to your struggles than cats walking across computer keyboards and repeatedly sending out emails asking for my patience.”

The cats working at the financial aid’s office are named Cash, Payment, and Franklin. Each wears a different iconic Martha Pollack outfit, although Franklin often dresses like Ryan Lombardi instead.

“In fairness, the cats were kind of cute with their little pant suits and short brown wigs,” Talbot added. “Even the passive aggressive meow one of them let out when I asked if he could estimate when my award would be released was adorable.”

In a last-ditch effort to expedite the process, Talbot stole the “postpone aid award” button the office cats were so fond of, but they just moved on to ripping up printed copies of submitted W-2 forms instead.

Heroic Student Donated to Save Collegetown’s Restaurants but Has Yet to Venmo Roommate for Brunch

COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. 

“At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a Facebook update showing that he donated $20 to Cafe Pacific. I totally support it, but also could I have my $10 from last month?” 

In his Facebook post, Eagen stated the importance of supporting local eateries, while stressing the sacrifice he made by donating. “If I’m just a student and can donate, then so can you. Am I a hero to all? No. Am I a hero to one? Bet,” read the post. 

Despite multiple texts, Venmo reminders, and DM’s, Eagen still refused to reimburse his roommate. Instead, demonstrating his strong sense of empathy and integrity, he changed his cover photo to a picture that dismantles trickle-down economics, retweeted articles about Small Business Saturday, and edited his Instagram bio to “CU ‘21. KappaSig. Activist.” 

“Eagen’s magnanimity is impressive,” affirmed Nakamura. “He just really needs to pay me for that waffle.”

The next weekend, Eagen was spotted drinking a Starbucks frappe and not tipping his barista. 

Rising Senior’s Apartment Affordable Firetrap Only Ten Minute Walk From Olin

COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.”

Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that if the slightest thing went wrong it would almost certainly lead to his death. “I’m just amazed you found a place so close for so cheap!” responded Clare Smith, ’18.

Evans recalls the landlord when he toured the apartment as saying, “Oh yeah only one exit, and no fire escape despite being on the third floor, but for this price this close, it’s a steal.”

At press time, Evans commented: “My buddy Matt is paying like eight hundred for a place on, like, State Street, so the constant looming threat of death by inferno is worth it in the long run.”

Cornell to Receive Large Johnson Endowment

DAY HALL — According to multiple reports, Cornell University will receive a gigantic Johnson endowment later this upcoming year.

In a press conference earlier today, President Hunter Rawlings III stated he hopes this “generous gift will enhance Cornell’s performance for years to come” and wishes to see “what the endowment really has to offer the Cornell community.”

Johnson claims this expansive investment will “rise to the occasion on all fronts and serve the Ithaca campus to its best abilities.”

When asked about what aroused him to bestow this endowment on the University, Johnson cited his desire to please others and have an unforgettable and long lasting impact.

Reports say the building is expected to be erected later this year and be 80 feet long, but will more likely be a weak 55 feet at best.

Intern Misses Being Paid To Sit on Ass All Day

COLLEGETOWN – After leaving his internship at Microsoft and starting his fall semester, rising senior Ross Silversmith reportedly misses being paid to sit on his ass all day at work now that he’s back at school sitting on his ass and earning no money.

“I miss my time as an intern on a stipend, when I would do absolutely nothing and take extended coffee breaks,” Silversmith shared. “One easy way to get out of having to do stuff was to set your calendar to busy and then just go and sleep in a different section of the office. Making twenty dollars an hour doing that all summer sure was a blast.”

When asked about problems with his internship, Silversmith commented, “Sometimes, people at work would want me to do stuff, but I didn’t know how to do that stuff. So I would tell one of my supervisors I needed help, but in the end they would just do the job for me. It was a pretty valuable experience, and I even made some decent cash!”

Silversmith did eventually have to give an end of the summer presentation on his progress, so he presented on his favorite memes from the Facebook chat he was on during most of his recorded hours.

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.”

“I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” said Dr. Ernst, “so I’ve been out here all day promoting it, and I’m scheduled to do a live reading at Goldies later this week.”

The author is hoping to turn heads in the industry and is in talks to sign a book deal for three more sequels with Penguin publishers, though he has been told his content needs to appeal more to the teenage demographic before it can really go anywhere.

“I think mostly the people buying are in my MAE 3230 class, which lists the textbook as a requirement, but I’ve had a few others stop by and ask me about it. I explained the premise of how the viscosity of non-Newtonian fluids depends on shear rate to some interested Sociology majors, and they told me they might buy a copy on their way out of the store!”

The textbook is currently ranked at 2,052,030 on the Amazon Best Sellers list selling for $300.

Senior Panicking to Find Friends Who Also Still Don’t Have Jobs

COLLEGETOWN – Following the news that her best friend Margaret Floyd ’16 had just received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, fellow senior Ellen Barr ’16 was observed to be in a panicked state as she hurried to find more friends who were similarly still unemployed for the following year.

“Well Margaret just got a job, and Keisha got a position with a pharmaceutical company last week… so who’s left? Am I the only one who doesn’t have a job yet?” exclaimed Barr, frantically searching her friends’ Facebook walls to discern whether or not she could find any equally jobless seniors.

“Millie too? She’s working for her local judiciary office in the year before she applies to law school? Are you kidding me? And what do you know- Johanna is getting funding for her “S’mores and Samosas” food truck concept. I can’t believe I still don’t have a job.”

Later that afternoon, Barr reportedly received a lucrative job offer from Google, though the offer went unnoticed as it was sent directly to her spam folder.

Cornell Announces Harriet Tubman to be Featured on the Big Red Buck

DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time.

“We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty to stand up for social change, “Honoring Tubman’s accomplishment is important to the university, and we love social causes. I remember back when we decided to add ethnic minorities to our website photos, and now look at us. We have a woman on the BRB.”

Students and faculty had been protesting the lack of a racially diverse pioneer of civil rights on the Big Red Buck for several months, and the Cornell administration happily agreed to mint the new design during the next iteration of printing.

“I’m really proud to be a Cornellian right now,” said Hugo Sinclair ’18. “We were among the first universities to let in African Americans, and now we’re the first to have a woman on our legal tender. Still progressive as always”