Student Researcher Discovers 70 New Kinds of Sweat

ITHACA, NY — Last Tuesday, rising Junior Archie Spruce published the findings of his research detailing a remarkable 70 (previously undocumented) new kinds of sweat. Spruce is spending the summer in Ithaca conducting his research as “the humid, jungle-like temperatures” provided ideal experimental conditions.

“We are pleased to publish the conclusions of our study, conducted over the last month, which detail the many, many different ways that someone can sweat in these god-awful temperatures,” read Spruce, himself displaying as many as nine of his new discoveries from the podium of a 3 p.m. outdoor press conference announcing his findings.

“This study found that one can sweat buckets or bullets, and discovered the many different ways that sweat collects on one’s face, from the crown-of-the-forehead speckles to the beady, upper-lip sweat ‘stache,” said Spruce.

Spruce concluded the press conference by adding that there is no known cure for any of kind of sweat besides “cold.”

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