Freshman Puts Up Hard-Partying Facade for Parents’ Weekend

BAUER — Sources are indicating that Jacob Lifflander ’18 spent a considerable amount of time and money this weekend convincing his parents that he has been drinking and partying often while away at college.

“I don’t want them to think their tuition money is going to waste,” explained the studious biology major while removing his latest A+ FWS paper from his bulletin board in preparation for the weekend.

“I want them to see that I’m taking full advantage of all the opportunities here to drink underage nearly every day of the week and learn a totally misconstrued sense of responsibility.”

Instead of its usual periodic table and Pokemon poster, Bauer 1114-1 is now sporting a décor of empty beer cans and a trash bag full of red solo cups leftover from Lifflander carefully placing them there before his 10:30 bedtime on Saturday. Additionally, Lifflander meticulously dispersed slightly scratched ping pong balls around various spots in his room after hearing a rumor that they are often found at social events.

The freshman’s RA has also been prepped for the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Lifflander and is now ready to answer all questions regarding their son’s social life with, “I’ve already JA’d him twice.”

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