Quartercarder Intently Awaiting Next Victim

HO PLAZA — Quartercard distributor for Cornell Pep Band Liza Chan ’17 is quietly lurking outside the doors to Willard Straight, eagerly awaiting the spoils of the next innocent passerby.

“Here come the little lambs, ripe for the taking” whispered Chan, slowly licking her thin, cold lips at the sight of the freshmen exiting Okenshields in droves.

To the pedestrians walking out of Willard Straight, Chan appears motionless, remaining silent until an unsuspecting student nears. Once she makes eye contact, it is all too late. Chan lets off a carnal shriek “Hey, come to the Pep Band auditions!” at each new victim, and with one swift extension of a quartercard, she has caught her prey.

“There was no escape. I couldn’t even see her coming at me from behind the bushes,” commented Ari Krieger ‘19, still visibly shaken from the recent attack, “She got me. She got me to join Pep Band. She got me.”

Who the merciless sousaphonist will claim next is unknown, however Chan was last seen stalking a short biology major with a wounded leg.

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