Nooz Staff September 13, 2019

“It Sure Would Be a Shame If Something Happened to Your Club’s Funding,” Says SAFC Officer with Outstretched Palm

HO PLAZA—During an impromptu press conference on the steps of Willard Straight Hall, the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC) casually reminded all student organizations that it would sure be a shame if something were to happen to their “precious funding” during the upcoming 2020-2022 Byline funding cycle.

“I mean, hey, times are tight around here… it’s looking like the pot might be running dry for a whole lot of clubs this time around. You wouldn’t want that for your club, would you? I bet you’d be willing to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening, huh?” said SAFC Chairman Lorenzo “Two Fingers” De Fucci ‘20, as he brandished a baseball bat and took a long drag from a cigar.

The SAFC also stressed that the new funding application review process was extremely complicated and confusing- even for them. “If you don’t want to get lost in the riff-raff of all those other clubs, you might be wise to consider trying to, you know, differentiate yourselves,” added De Fucci.

Cornell’s most beloved student institution went on to add that student organizations looking to mitigate the risk of being defunded would have the opportunity to work directly with the SAFC leadership.

“Whether you want to treat us to a nice dinner at The Boatyard, have a chat on the way back to campus from the Syracuse airport, or just write some nice things about your club on a fifty-dollar Venmo payment, we are committed to hearing out any and all concerned e-board members,” assured SAFC Director of Public Relations Antonio “Green Beans” Tumminelli ‘21.

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