LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.”
“These little shits have had it too good for too long,” growled Booker. “The worst offender is the person leaving their bright copper pubes plastered to the shower floor. There’s only two gingers on the hall, but both of them insist that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes, and they’re too busy getting hazed by business fraternities for anyone to be able to confirm,” he added as he stalked up and down the hall, daring the nasty fucker to try him.
The dorm’s worsening bathroom situation and Booker’s unique solution has made life confusing and unpleasant for many of its residents.
“Look, I get it. Whoever’s been leaving their ginger pubes all over the communal bathroom is carrying around the equivalent of a copper pot scrubber in their pants, but why can’t they snip and sprinkle in an open field under the full moon like the rest of us?” said Low Rise 6 resident Dalton Jones ‘25, visibly quaking as Booker made another surprise round through the floor.
Booker could be heard vowing that catching the rogue manscaper would restore Low Rise 6 to a state of Ritz Carlton-like glory before stepping in a puddle of vomit adorned with a single cocktail umbrella.
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