Test Optional Twins Olin and Uris “Pretty Sure” Their Parents “Didn’t Go Here” and Have No Idea Why You Thought That

Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. 

“People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of grass from his uncreased Golden Goose. “I actually have no idea where they went to college. I think they might be too embarrassed to tell us, because the last time I asked they started talking about some vacuum cleaner.”

When informed that their eponyms were in fact historic libraries on Cornell’s campus, Olin almost threw her iced latte. “Omg!” she squealed. “Like those cute places with books?” 

Uris seemed less enthusiastic: “Ew–libraries? I thought we were named after Greek gods.” 

The pair then agreed that if, hypothetically, their parents had actually gone to Cornell, they should’ve named their children after “something cool, like the football field.”

Impressive! New Student Gets Locked Inside Their Room

NORTH CAMPUS–During a wave of midnight calls to RAs following freshmen locking themselves out of their rooms, one new student’s innovation has impressed residential staff campuswide by managing to lock themselves inside their room.

“Honestly, this is just impressive,” remarked James Lansing ‘23, an RA in the new Ruth Bader Ginsburg Hall. “We’ve had hundreds of lockouts so far this year, and you get to the point where it all blends together. A kid forgets their keys going for a shower, they leave their card in their room to get dinner, been there done that. But this is straight up befuddling. How did she get into her room and then lock herself in? Did she slide the keys out under the door? Why does her door even lock from the outside in the first place?! ”

After several hours seeking guidance from building care and maintenance staff, the University concluded that the lock-in was the result of a door lock being accidentally installed inside-out. Anyone could open the door from the outside, but the inside would lock automatically unless the user disengaged the lock intentionally, a feature Housing and Residential Life described as “unique.” 

“I’m telling you I didn’t do anything wrong,” insisted Alana Daniels ‘26. “I followed the signs and I made sure to carefully follow the rules my RA gave me, and I always have my keys with me unless I’m in my room or I think of something cooler to carry through the dorms like a massive bottle of Smirnoff. But apparently that wasn’t enough! I’m sick of these RAs treating freshmen like some kind of burden. All they have to do is repeatedly show us how to use doors, clean up after us in the bathrooms, and help us make friends, but they act like they’re our mothers or something.”

Five minutes after the door was fixed by maintenance, Daniels called her RA to report a lockout and request a temporary access card.

Freshman Dorm RA Launches Hunt For Repugnant Shitgoblins Shaving Their Pubes in Communal Bathroom

LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.”

“These little shits have had it too good for too long,” growled Booker. “The worst offender is the person leaving their bright copper pubes plastered to the shower floor. There’s only two gingers on the hall, but both of them insist that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes, and they’re too busy getting hazed by business fraternities for anyone to be able to confirm,” he added as he stalked up and down the hall, daring the nasty fucker to try him. 

The dorm’s worsening bathroom situation and Booker’s unique solution has made life confusing and unpleasant for many of its residents.

“Look, I get it. Whoever’s been leaving their ginger pubes all over the communal bathroom is carrying around the equivalent of a copper pot scrubber in their pants, but why can’t they snip and sprinkle in an open field under the full moon like the rest of us?” said Low Rise 6 resident Dalton Jones ‘25, visibly quaking as Booker made another surprise round through the floor.

Booker could be heard vowing that catching the rogue manscaper would restore Low Rise 6 to a state of Ritz Carlton-like glory before stepping in a puddle of vomit adorned with a single cocktail umbrella.

Orientation Leaders and High School Friends Compete to Be Ghosted Fastest by Incoming Freshmen

NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents.

“I’m honestly off to a great start,” commented NYU freshman Dave Nichols. “The day after I helped move my friend John into his new dorm, I texted him ‘Hey dude, how’s college life going?’ He responded three days later saying he was sorry he missed my text and that ‘things are good.’ He hasn’t been very active in the West High Theatre Discord chat recently either. I’m not sure he could have moved on faster.”

Orientation leaders reported similar levels of disengagement from freshmen who grew tired of O-week activities. After the first few rounds of Two Truths and A Lie, they experienced the same glazed eyes and short responses as their freshmens’ high school boyfriends did. With new students quickly building relationships with roommates, potential clubs, and sports teams, the question of who will last longer in freshmens’ lives hangs heavily in the minds of orientation leaders and hometown lovers alike.

Kaileigh Smith ‘23, an orientation leader, expressed confidence in her coming irrelevance. “Oh, I have a week in their lives left, two tops,” she admitted. “As soon as I take this name tag off they’ll wonder whether there was actually a ‘Y’ in my name, and it’s all downhill from there. I’ll send them a text next week asking how classes are going, and then we’ll awkwardly avoid eye contact when we pass each other on campus until I graduate.”

As of now, the question of who will persist in the lives of freshmen is unclear. High school friends around the country hang on the promise that they will “totally hang over Thanksgiving break,” while orientation leaders place their hopes on ClubFest and freshmens’ desire for old study guides.

Balls-to-Wall Freshman Takes Mind Map Notes During First Lecture

URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique.

“I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was doing with that pen… I was awestruck,” said fellow classmate Erica Chan ‘23. “Seeing Daniel’s eight-pronged cloud diagram describing a five-part course grading structure, I was convinced that the markings on his paper had unlocked the full potential of human consciousness.”

After watching a YouTube video on the technique, which emphasizes relationships between concepts rather than linearity, Daniel decided that he too would use the organizational strategy employed by scrapbookers and third grade teachers alike to help him synthesize all the new information in his advanced college psychology classes. By the time classes rolled around, he had developed a pedal-to-the-metal attitude toward note-taking, amassed an otherworldly collection of colored pens, and fully trained his mind to transcend the boundaries of time.

“I let the pens do the work” said Fabre. “As soon as the professor divulged those tiered learning objectives, I knew the time had come for me to kick it into fifth gear and map out every corner of my thoughts.”

After two lectures of using the mind mapping technique, Daniel plans to revert back to just using bullet points, before ultimately opting to take pictures of the lecture slides on his iPad.

Sorority’s Entire New Member Class Already Deactivated

KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids.

“Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But it looks like the ladies we got are even more advanced and high-achieving than we expected.”

After spending the extended rush trekking through the snow to different sororities, the frostbitten freshmen were eager to quickly pay their dues, add it to their resumes, and get out.

“They shouldn’t blame themselves,” said Renée Dawson ’22, who deactivated from Nu Kappa Monday evening. “I was just excited to get ahead of the game in the sorority process.”

The sorority’s remaining members are comforted by the fact that sorority life is really about the sisters they made along the way, as well as the upcoming dates of their own deactivations.

OP-ED: Hey! That’s My Freshman Roommate…I Think

See that girl over there? That’s my freshman roommate…I think.

Yeah. She was my roommate from freshman year in Mews. She had the key to all my personal belongings for an entire year, and I’m… I wanna say, like, 80% sure that’s her.

Okay, that might not be her. I’m really leaning toward thinking, yes, I do remember what her face looks like from only two years ago, but based on this, it kind of seems like… no.

Is she even at this school right now? Is she studying abroad? I’d know, right? I’ll look it up. Aren’t we Facebook friends? Why aren’t we Facebook friends? Did she unfriend me? That bitch. Let me check if we’re Facebook friends.

Okay, so I’m having a little trouble checking because, um, I don’t exactly remember her name.

Listen, we got dinner at RPCC twice a week for several months! I remember a lot about her! She definitely is in a club that has something to do with either health care or finance, for one. Hell, who am I kidding? It’s a wild guess.

Oh no. Oh shit. She’s walking over here, I can’t tell if it’s toward me or not. I’m just gonna wave and shout “Rebecca!” and hope God is real.


OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world.

Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what they’re doing, yet somehow have the balls to talk the most if they manage to get into one of my classes. I can’t wait for them to get their first D. How can they jump up and down at the discovery of free Willard Straight popcorn, but be so bafflingly oblivious when they’re handing out resumes at career fair? Get out of line, jackass, you don’t belong yet!

That is, unless you want to join my club.

Our president’s been hounding me to get the word out, so, to all freshmen: the Cornell Quantitative Biomedical Finance Society is holding our first info session this Thursday at 8PM! In case you’re literally dumb and live under a rock, CQBFS is the ABSOLUTE BEST and MOST EXCLUSIVE health finance club on campus. We are the ONLY club that can prepare you for a career in the quantitative biomedical finance industry.

I had an INTERNSHIP (you freshmen are probably unfamiliar with the concept) for a few weeks over winter break with ARLENE SIMMONS, the top Geico agent in all of the Scranton metro area. Can you children even comprehend this?

Now that I have all the knowledge I need, I’m planning to start working as like a VP or Director for an investment bank that specializes in the healthcare industry after I GRADUATE in May. Then, maybe after a year or two, I’ll start my own venture capital fund. That’s the power of CQBFS!

Anyways, we are a super fun and welcoming group as you’ll figure once you meet us! Literally can’t wait to meet you on Thursday! You all are going to be so awesome!

Freshman Unaware New Mentor is Actually Other Freshman

NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago.

“Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me feel like I’ve been at Cornell as long as he has,” said Li, who clearly hasn’t noticed that her mentor Daniel Wood ‘21 always wears a lanyard and shows up to his 9am lecture without fail every morning.

The inexperienced freshman plans to use her valuable friendship with an upperclassman to get a head start on housing for next year. Believing her treasured guide lives on “North or South campus,” Li is looking forward to an invite to check out Wood’s apartment.

“He’s helped me find my way around campus, told me which clubs look good on paper, and showed me all the best places to eat on North Campus — although he’s still discovering some himself!” gushed the naive student.

Despite having spent the last month telling Wood all about her Cornell hopes and dreams, Li has yet to discover that she and her mentor live in the same Low Rise unit.

Freshman Has Memory of Record 4 Nights of Wet Week

WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two.

“It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% and finish strong.”

The record was clinched on the third night when, in thrilling display of strength, Sanchez politely declined to do another shot, ensuring her recollection of the night remained intact and complete.

The emerging talent attributed part of her success to her mental preparation. “Before this week, I visualized exactly how it would go, from my subtly sexy alien outfit to pretending to enjoy Franzia. This helped me keep my head in the game.”

Sanchez, in shock over her achievement, still remembered to thank her friends. “I couldn’t have done it without my crew,” she said, fondly recalling those who carried her home last night.