Tag Archives: freshmen

Freshman Dorm RA Launches Hunt For Repugnant Shitgoblins Shaving Their Pubes in Communal Bathroom

LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had Read More

Orientation Leaders and High School Friends Compete to Be Ghosted Fastest by Incoming Freshmen

NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents. “I’m honestly off to a great start,” Read More

Balls-to-Wall Freshman Takes Mind Map Notes During First Lecture

URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I Read More

Sorority’s Entire New Member Class Already Deactivated

KAPPA NU KAPPA—In a disastrous start to the sisterhood of Kappa Nu Kappa’s semester, the entire new member class deactivated from the sorority within two days of receiving their bids. “Usually sisters of Nu Kappa wait to deactivate until they’re juniors or seniors,” said sorority president Amy Landerson ‘19. “But Read More

OP-ED: I Hate Freshmen, Except If They Want to Join My Club

I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world. Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because Read More

Freshman Unaware New Mentor is Actually Other Freshman

NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Read More

Freshman Has Memory of Record 4 Nights of Wet Week

WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two. “It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% Read More