CU Nooz

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago04 mins

As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of…

Union of White Cornell Students’ March Indistinguishable From Usual Students Walking to Class

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

HO PLAZA – A march for white civil rights and recognition, organized by the Union of White Cornell Students, occurred on Ho Plaza today, however it was largely unnoticed due to the march being nearly indistinguishable from the normal pedestrian traffic of students on campus. “That march was today? I was out here giving out…

1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament Round II

Nooz Staff8 years ago8 years ago07 mins

Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 32 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…

Club E-Board Locked In Vicious, Week-Long Debate Over Which Shade of Red Merch Should Be

Nooz Staff3 years ago03 mins

After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise. “It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all,…

Gannett Student Health Insurance Doesn’t Cover Broken Dreams

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

Gannett Health Services issued an urgent reminder Wednesday that the Student Health Insurance does not cover broken dreams. “I thought Pre-Med would be a good idea,” complained AEM major Daphne Crawford ’15. “I told my parents not to worry that I only had a 2.3 GPA and that the student health plan would cover any…

Students Organize Carwash to Support Suffering Residents of High and Low Rise Community

Nooz Staff10 years ago9 years ago03 mins

SKYBRIDGE: Residents of Court, Kay, Bauer, and Mews Halls announced this morning plans for a charity carwash to raise money for residents of the High and Low Rise residence halls. “We are all Cornellians. To see members of our family suffering in the slums of North Campus is heartbreaking. Now it’s our time to show…

Cornell Hangs “No Winter Maintenance” Sign on Rockefeller Hall

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…

OP-ED: Goddamnit, Why Did I Let These Grad Students Study Industrial and Labor Relations? (by President Martha Pollack)

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago03 mins

As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…

Study: Plot of Grass in Shade Has Gotten More Ass Than All Greek Life Combined

Nooz Staff3 years ago04 mins

ARTS QUAD—According to a landmark study released in an unprecedented joint collaboration between Cornell’s Plant Science and Psychology departments, grass that’s conveniently located beneath the motherly shade of a firm oak tree is getting way more ass than the combined membership of all Greek Life. “I initially laughed when my advisee said he wanted…

Campus Excited For Student Assembly To Become Irrelevant Again

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Yesterday’s announcement that Varun Devatha ‘19 will be the next Student Assembly president brought a tumultuous election cycle to an end, leaving students eager to return to the days of ignoring all news related to the Student Assembly. “First there was the whole Cornell Cinema debacle, and now this convoluted presidential election fiasco…

Cornell Sophomore Hates Harvard; Would Transfer

Fashion Major Stressed The Fuck Out About Zipper Final

“Jingle Bells, This Professor Smells” Writes Student In Devastating Christmas-Themed Course Evaluation

Senior Decides It’s Already Too Late to Be Productive Over Winter Break

Professor Really Going For Applause With Last Lecture

Plum Tree Workers Stockpile Saké Bombs in Anticipation of Formal Season

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament Round II

Club E-Board Locked In Vicious, Week-Long Debate Over Which Shade of Red Merch Should Be

Gannett Student Health Insurance Doesn’t Cover Broken Dreams

Students Organize Carwash to Support Suffering Residents of High and Low Rise Community

Cornell Hangs “No Winter Maintenance” Sign on Rockefeller Hall

OP-ED: Goddamnit, Why Did I Let These Grad Students Study Industrial and Labor Relations? (by President Martha Pollack)

Study: Plot of Grass in Shade Has Gotten More Ass Than All Greek Life Combined

Campus Excited For Student Assembly To Become Irrelevant Again