Op-Ed: Dude…Look at My Hands

This April 20th, people everywhere are discussing the future of marijuana legalization. I myself am a firm supporter of the cause and I raise my fist in defiance of…uh…of…hey man, have you seen my hands? Like, oh my god, dude. Look at my hands. Look at my fucking hands. They’re so, like, complex. Shit, where…

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French Department Faculty Fined For Tampering With Smoke Detectors

ITHACA, NY -Cornell Univeristy’s French Studies department has received several citations from the city of Ithaca’s Fire Department for tampering with smoke detectors in Goldwin Smith Hall. During a routine fire inspection, several alarms were found with plastic bags sealed over them while others were simply removed from their bases. Fire Department Chief Fred Ogilvy…

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Cornell Abolishes PE Requirement, Extends Clock Tower Detour Instead

HO PLAZA—Celebrations that Cornell abolished its physical education requirement were short lived amid the university’s announcement that it would be extending the clock tower detour as a replacement. The new detour spans several miles and even requires walking up the slope. When pressed about their decision to extend the detour, Cornell officials explained that the…

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Student Astonished To Learn That Being An Ally Means Something Other Than Telling Girls He Loved Ladybird

WARREN HALL—AEM Major Roger Gross ‘22 reacted with shock upon realizing that not one bullet point in an Instagram infographic labeled “How to Be An Ally” contained any reference to the 2017 Greta Gerwig film Ladybird. “There was all this shit about ‘calling out microaggressions’ and like ‘mutual aid,’ but absolutely no discussion of all…

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Photo courtesy of Omar Abdul-Rahim/Cornell Daily Sun

Administration Reassures Faculty They’ve Prepared Since the Last Recession and Won’t Hesitate to Cut Salaries this Time

DAY HALL—Writing that the University “now understands exactly which costs are non-essential,” Martha Pollack sent an email to faculty on Monday stating that after being unprepared for the 2007 financial crash, this time Cornell knows to go straight to cutting salaries for professors, lecturers, and researchers. “I won’t lie, my predecessors were caught off guard…

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