KENNEDY HALL- The professors of Cornell gathered today to discuss the issue of copied homework on campus, and concluded that the best way to ensure the originality of one’s answers was to underline the words “No Copying” that can be found at the top of any assigned homework sheet. “We make it very clear that…
ITHACA- Testifying that this was going to be a deciding moment in her life, junior Cheryl Eisen ’16 said today that it is now, never, or next year to turn things around and really get her grades up. “I understand that I’ve been slacking for the past two years, but not anymore. It’s either I…
ITHACA- Claiming that they were all up for the challenge and mentally prepared to face anything in their way, all 700 high school valedictorians of the incoming freshman class asserted today that they were ready to resume their status as smartest student in the school. “I worked pretty hard in my public high school to…
ITHACA, NY — Last Tuesday, rising Junior Archie Spruce published the findings of his research detailing a remarkable 70 (previously undocumented) new kinds of sweat. Spruce is spending the summer in Ithaca conducting his research as “the humid, jungle-like temperatures” provided ideal experimental conditions. “We are pleased to publish the conclusions of our study, conducted…
If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there. If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed! The most important thing to…
ITHACA, NY — Steven Terry, ‘17 , placed on academic probation this spring, reportedly found a real-life application for Calculus when he realized that he needed to pass the course in order to enjoy all the benefits conferred by a university diploma. The struggling Freshman was studying in the stacks when he frustratedly asked those…
ITHACA- Reports are surfacing that one book residing in Olin Library’s stacks is beginning to wonder if it will ever be checked out. “Spiel der Welten: Fiktionalität als narratives Paradigma in Mittelalter” (“Game of the Worlds: fictionality as a narrative paradigm in the Middle Ages”) has sat on its shelf on Olin’s 7th floor since…
ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
ITHACA, NY- Following an impressive high school career filled with many accomplishments, including being voted “Most Likely to Succeed” by his peers, Charlie Bostic ’17 has just found out that he failed his organic chemistry prelim. The freshman, who only a year before had been president of Lincoln High School Debate Team and Salutatorian of…
ITHACA- Following his completion of pre-enroll, varsity hockey player Tucker Maclin ’15, announced his excitement at the fact that next semester he will, like all previous semesters, be receiving a 4.0 GPA . This incredible feat will be accomplished while taking a substantial 18 credits, only having classes on Wednesdays, and with the stipulation that…
