NEW HAVEN, CT- The job market for Cornell students graduating in 2014 is looking great, according to the mother of Kyle Westing, ’14. “Cathy’s son, remember him? He just got a job out in California. You’ll be sure to find a job!” said Mrs. Westing, talking to the 22-year-old archaeology major over the phone. With…
ITHACA, NY- With the new semester starting, Cornell student Mason Parker ’17 recently came under the realization that he finally gets it. After approximately four months at this school, having taken only intro-level classes and joining four different club email lists without ever attending a meeting, the freshmen claimed he “really understands what’s going on…
ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…
As students prepare for another stressful round of preliminary and midterm exams, Gannett Health Services has released a new initiative to boost mental health on campus. Some tips laid out include: 1. Just relax and breathe. We are all part of a finite blip within the cosmic nothingness of existence. 2.Enjoy the scenic campus of…
In what has been called a “change of heart” University President David Skorton has decided to rename Gates hall to Satya Nadella hall in light of Nadella being recently named the new CEO of Microsoft. The reason for the sudden name change mere weeks after the building’s opening is, as President Skorton argues, because “the…
ITHACA, NY – With the impending snowstorm, the university has expressed excitement over all the potential student-built snow sculptures they hope to see tomorrow. Officials said, “Every year we always get the same few students trying to be funny and building a giant snow penis. We hope this year is different and students tap into…
ITHACA, NY -Cornell Univeristy’s French Studies department has received several citations from the city of Ithaca’s Fire Department for tampering with smoke detectors in Goldwin Smith Hall. During a routine fire inspection, several alarms were found with plastic bags sealed over them while others were simply removed from their bases. Fire Department Chief Fred Ogilvy…
Goldwin Smith houses kids on humanities tracks, But often those kids are in need of some snacks! There’s not enough food in professors’ discourses, After all, college students eat fully grown horses. So then where do you go to get your daily fill? Is there a place with a kitchen? A crockpot? A grill? There’s…
ITHACA-X7, NY – Bright eyed freshmen teeming around campus this August seem to share a similar complaint: Gates hall has got to go. The building, erected in 2014, was once a modern marvel created with a cutting-edge glass, a modern foundation and an innovative solar powered array. Today, the building sits unused and has been…
THE GREAT BEYOND/ITHACA, NY – While historian Goldwin Smith is most notably remembered for his academic achievements, recent actions taken by the ghost of the celebrated professor have reminded the campus of his more deplorable beliefs. Smith, an Oxford educated historian was revered for his passionate study of history and colonialism. In 1911, a building erected…
