ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender.
“I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus. “Look at that! That’s Ezra Cornell. He’s coming over. Oh no, he’s coming over? Are you Ezra Cornell? I have to go.”
Robinesson began his high early Sunday afternoon, claiming that he wanted to spend Saturday at Greek Peak and attend Sunday brunch at Taverna Banfi. Citing his great stamina and above-average metabolism, he felt confident in his ability to recover in time to write a paper and study for an exam in the days immediately following February break.
“Joel’s an absolute fiend so if it was just meth he’d be in the clear,” commented Robinesson’s roommate Jackson Villagen ‘22. “I was there when he started smoking up but I left to pick up a FaceTime from my girl. When I came back there were crazy pills all over the table and Joel had taken at least half of them. It was crazy dude.”
At press time, Robinesson was unavailable for comment. However, there have been recent reports of a man fitting Robinesson’s height and build wandering around the nearby town of Lansing.
UPSON HALL—While perusing course evaluation forms and hotboxing his on-campus office, mechanical engineering professor Travis Valensi began to wonder about the feasibility of some kind of equivalent student evaluation form.
“It’s, uh, it’s kinda unfair that students can say whatever they think about professors, but professors don’t get that opportunity as well, you know?” said Professor Valensi, seeming to forget that the point system and grades more generally are designed specifically for this purpose. “What if I made a form that went the other way? It would be, like, okay, let’s say this student didn’t show up to a lot of lectures, right? Shouldn’t I be able to say that’s a problem? Or what if it seemed like they didn’t know the material that well? I don’t know, am I crazy here? This is such a good idea, I think.”
Despite receiving a PhD from the California Institute of Technology and having contributed to significant advancements in robotics technology over his career, Dr. Valensi was steadfastly convinced that this conceptual framework was his life’s finest achievement.
“What if—now bear with me here—you could attach a number to a student’s performance on an assignment, and then one for the whole semester? Wouldn’t that be fuckin’ far out?” wondered a visibly excited Valensi between hits. “This is so good. Are you hearing this? This is so good! I feel like I gotta make this and just, like, tell everybody! Okay, here’s what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna make a model for this, like a blueprint or an outline or something, and then I’m gonna go show it to my girl Martha, and she’s gonna be all over it. Yeah, just as soon as I’m not stuck to this chair anymore that’s what I’m gonna do. Say, are you hungry? Wanna go get some taquitos? Let’s go get some taquitos once I’m not stuck to the chair anymore.”
At press time, Professor Valensi remained stuck to the chair while cackling about the inherent hilarity of the word “taquitos.”
CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse.
“I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is super hard,” said Shaw, working on her vision board after ingesting 10 grams of magic mushrooms.
Shaw ’20 will be graduating into a literal economic depression, which has promoted her to critically reflect on what’s really important to her. She’s also been thinking of cool new drug combinations which range from the banal: muscle relaxers and white wine, to the innovative: 50mg of melatonin and LSD.
“I’m so scared to wake up one day and not recognize myself,” said Shaw, explaining that she meant it in a “literal and metaphorical way,” citing her experience with peyote, which “showed me my spiritual essence rather than physical form when I looked in the mirror.” Shaw described that trip as “extremely unpleasant, because my spiritual essence is a real uggo.”
Shaw aspires to find a deeper sense of self understanding through exercises like mindfulness meditation, huffing gasoline siphoned out of her mother’s SUV, and electrocuting her toes with the car battery.
Despite disapproval from her family, Shaw plans to continue her spiritual and substance-based journey because what else are you supposed to do in Wyoming?
RILEY-ROBB HALL—Students of PLSCI 4190, “Cannabis: Biology, Society, and Industry” are totally bummed out that their absolute buzzkill of a professor won’t let them get even a teeny bit high during class.
Trinity Earthsong ‘20 is particularly upset that her professor is being a “total stick in the mud” about pot. “I took his course for two reasons: I wanted to take a science class that wasn’t hijacked by the culture corruption of our mainstream industrialist institutionalism, and I thought I could get completely ripped in class,” said Earthsong. The embattled classics major is fighting back. She has already planned a hunger strike in order to soften her professor’s stance on getting high in class. “We aren’t going to eat until we can satiate our munchies at an on-campus eatery within minutes of leaving class.”
Professor Christopher Smith, who teaches PLSCI 4190, will not budge amidst allegations from his students of being an “out of touch fogey blindly fighting in the failed war on drugs.”
“I don’t understand what their complaint is,” Smith said, clearly exasperated. “Literally nowhere on my syllabus does it say ‘feel free to get stoned while I’m teaching you.’ People keep coming into the lecture hall super early and writing ‘NARC’ on the chalkboard just so I have to erase it.” Smith has also found it incredibly difficult to actually get through a lecture recently, as students have taken to chanting “Drug Thug” for the duration of the 75 minute class.
At press time, it appeared Smith had bridged the gap with his students, coming up with a wildly misguided and poorly designed joint business venture during a late night study session in the back of his 1974 Volkswagen van.
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates.
“I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24 hours by the EMTs on standby. “Wow, we really need to restock the fridge,” said Haysworth, as his mother, who came to visit him in light of recent events, escorted him out of the bathroom.
Haysworth’s friends and family have all recounted what a great and bright person he was before his excessive smoking of the non-addictive, non-gateway, and naturally growing substance. “Now he still sits in his bean bag chair all day and plays Xbox,” said his nostalgic housemate Terrance Creighton ’17, who recounted the good old days when they used to do other things than just smoke kush. “He will sorely be remembered.”
His friends and family have also stated that no charitable foundation would or could be named after him in the near or far future. “We were thinking about starting a foundation for the awareness of cannabis abuse in honor of our son, but then we realized that that was not a thing, and that Michael hadn’t really achieved anything in life, and was also perfectly fine,” said Mrs. Clark-Haysworth, as she realized she took a day off from work for nothing.
Preliminary reports have also indicated that an autopsy would not be necessary.
DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room.
“I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by being myself, but now I realize the best way meet people in college is to show them my sweet poster of Bob Marley smoking weed” said Neilson, who bought the poster after deciding his own personality was insufficient to appeal to the popular kids on his floor.
Neilson figured he would hang the Bob Marley poster next to his poster of Chuck Norris jokes and just below his ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ poster, in an effort to project a fun yet laid back persona to potential friends.
“You can look straight through my open door and see that poster,” added Neilson excitedly, “that’s so people walking down the hall will see it, and they’ll know I’m cool too.”
Neilson has never listened to a Bob Marley song nor smoked marijuana in his entire life.
STEWART AVENUE PARKING LOT- Cornell’s fourth annual heroin scavenger hunt was ruined last Monday after spoil sport police officers confiscated the heroin from festival organizer Roshane Henry before he and his team had the chance to hide the remaining 250 packets of heroin.
“My ten year old loves the scavenger hunt. Last year she found thirteen packets!” said Ithaca resident Bill Peterson. “It’s a shame some people feel the need to ruin the event for all the kids who look forward to the event every year.”
The festival, which takes place at the beginning of every March, brings dozens of children from all over Ithaca to Cornell’s campus. The kids who collect the most heroin can win prizes that range from balloons and candy to custom-made hypodermic needles.
“We definitely won the scavenger hunt this year. With 250 packets in our possession, there’s no way any other kids can come close to our score,” reported CUPD in a statement.
However, there may still is hope for any children who may want to participate in the scavenger hunt. Henry says that he and his team were able to hide over 700 other packets throughout Cornell’s campus before the police acquired the rest.
WITHIN 10FT OF DAY HALL — “Yeah, you know, I just don’t really care anymore,” said David Skorton as he lit the cigarette he kept behind his ear within ten feet of an air vent intake. “What can I say, I’m a pretty dangerous guy.”
This incident is the most recent in a string of rebellious acts by Skorton. Over the last month, President Skorton began to act out against some rules around campus, citing a desire to “change his image” before his departure this spring. Other incidents have included failing to approve his Kronos timecard before the deadline, parading around North Campus playing loud music a half hour into quiet hours, and taking more than one piece of fruit from campus dining halls. “I’ve always wondered how my time here at Cornell will be remembered, and I was worried that people might think I was too boring, too conformist,” explained Skorton.
“People call it a lame duck stage, but I just asked myself, you know…” He paused and took a long drag on his cigarette before blowing it directly towards an air intake vent. “Why can’t it be a radical duck?”
MEWS– Freshman Geoffrey Dorman is excited to take part in many college social activities but is reported to have said that he will try pot “just this once.”
“I’m not going to make it a habit,” said Dorman of the drug he will eventually smoke twice daily and spend hundreds of dollars a week on. “It’s more of a one time thing, really. I like to think of myself as a social smoker,” Dorman stated as he googled the address of the nearest glass shop, credit card in hand.
“I’m a plant science major and I know there are many stereotypes associated with us,” stated the freshman as he tucked his dreadlocks into a rastacap. “But I came here to learn, and I won’t let anything stand in the way of expanding my consciousness.”
According to our sources, Dorman is already looking into living in a co-op next year and working at the plantations.