Nooz Staff November 9, 2016

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest.

“The outcome of this election is an incredible travesty and will likely set our country back a hundred years, which is a reality far too somber for me to get and maintain a boner, at least until tomorrow night,” said David Sherman ’19, a moderately horny sophomore who had been rooting for a Clinton presidency.

“As an educated white male, I realize that this election will not affect me nearly as much as others. There are tens of millions of women and minorities in this country who are unsure what the future holds, and that’s incredibly scary, and also a huge boner killer. I can also assure you that many people feeling like me right now won’t be masturbating for another two or three days, but then they’ll probably get right back at it.”

Despite a temporary lack of interest in masturbating, most students have made it abundantly clear that this election would not affect their desire to drink alcohol anytime soon.

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