Cornell Sends ROTC Students to Study Abroad in Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan.

“I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking forward to spending all semester in the nice warm desert with the Afgangi’s. We’re super excited to be on this mission, it’ll be a nice break from the prelim season.”

Last week, the U.S. military, low on volunteers, reached out to Cornell and other American universities for the last few people who couldn’t say no. In their recruitment, the military sought out the loudest and most confident individuals, all of whom claimed they could beat the Taliban blindfolded and without fellow ROTC cadet and certified alpha male Beermaster’s help.

The ROTC boys were excited to participate in a range of cultural activities such as archaeological digs for vital mineral resources the US left behind, paper macheing CIA documents that had not yet been destroyed, and a bowling night at the former U.S. embassy.

“I think I stand a really good chance against the Taliban,” Trent added. “Yeah they have tons of abandoned American weaponry, but do they have Bront, Mitch, and Cody on their side? My boy Beermaster can run a mile shirtless in 18 minutes, can the Taliban do that?”

Tragically, Trent’s confidence wavered as soon as their plane landed in Afghanistan, and even the soothing voice of Beermaster couldn’t prevent his pants from wettening.

Campus Excited for Three-to-Four Months Long Election Night

COLLEGETOWN—Tuesday is Election Day in America, which means all of the stress, hard-work, and exhaustion will culminate in victory or defeat for one major presidential candidate, in about three to four months.

“I’ve spent the last four years of my life anxious about whether our gradual decline into fascism would turn into a tailspin,” said James Ramirez ’22. “Thankfully today is Election Day, meaning I’ll finally be able to put my fears to rest as soon as the Michigan results come in this December, and Florida’s somewhere between February and May.”

Students all around campus are thrilled that in only a few short months, this election will be settled once Amy Coney Barrett gives the deciding vote on whether all ballots from Pennsylvania for Joe Biden should be thrown out for some reason.

“Man, it’s crazy that I will go to bed tonight and tomorrow I’ll wake up with a slightly changed 538 forecast,” exclaimed Kendra Peters ’21. “Sure, most of the time we know who the next President will be by midnight, but now we get to pull all-nighters refreshing the New York Times’ needle for 12 more weeks.”

At press time, one single man, Harold Peters ’64 has begun counting ballots for Tompkins County and is expected to finish by mid-March.

Graduating Senior Torn Between Taking ‘Pity Me’ or ‘Applaud Me’ Angle in End of College Facebook Post

HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her.

“I know, whatever I choose, that this will be my most liked status update ever. Getting it right is extremely important to me,” said Alvaro, choosing between a photo with friends in front of McGraw Tower and one of her alone in her bedroom watching the Swae Lee livestream.

Alvaro, touting her accomplishments as a first-generation college student who earned an Ivy League degree summa cum laude, included her worries about having not heard back from her future employer since March. “I really wanted to strike that difficult balance between ‘things are going great’ and ‘things still suck.’”

At press time, Alvaro wrapped up her post discussing how happy she was to celebrate her graduation with her mother, but that she was a little disappointed the cake came out too crumbly. 

Student Surprised to Find that Nintendo DS Isn’t as Fun as She Remembers

RYE, NY—Bored and nostalgic junior Nancy Alcott ‘21 recently excavated her room to find her old Nintendo DS rolled up inside a Justin Timberlake poster, only to be disappointed in the nonexistent taste of her six year old self. 

“I had so much fun playing with it on long car rides and plane trips, but now all I have are questions,” said Alcott after playing Animal Crossings: Wild World (c. 2005). “How did I even find this fun? These villagers are so needy. Why don’t they weed their own goddamn lawns and water their own goddamn flowers?”

Enraged, Alcott vowed that her childhood wasn’t a lie, and tried to insert her Nintendogs cartridge, only needing to blow on the game and the slot a mere seven times for it to slightly work.

“After having one aspect of my childhood crushed by the perils of adult life, and living with my insufferable parents for the last two months, I knew the only thing that could cheer me up was my virtual beagle puppy, Sparkles. But when I logged on it said he ran away,” lamented Alcott. “I can’t even… this device is horrible. And for God’s sake, what are these crusty orange stains on the buttons?”

As of press time, Alcott had traded her Nintendo DS on Facebook Marketplace for a variety pack of White Claws and had re-downloaded TikTok.

“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body

OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. 

“Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you all get about your little game. As such, we have announced that we are committed to liking football and will do our very best to not compare it to much more established and international sports tournaments, for the rest of the week,” read the statement.  The statement was signed by nationals of the 95 countries represented in the Cornell student body, as well as by several international student organisations. 

The statement continued with the following stipulations; “For the rest of the week, we will respond with insightful, but measured, comments on several key factors contributing to the outcome of the game. These may or may not include: Pat Maholmes’s gunslinging offence, the earth-shaking run game of the 49-ers, and how grateful we, the international community, are that we won’t need to hear about how ‘underrated’ Tom Brady is from Patriots fans.”

“Finally, we will refrain from any eye-rolling, sarcastic comments, remarks on the quantity of advertisements, and comparisons to any of the following significantly more grounded sporting events: football, rugby, tennis, badminton, basketball, cricket, volleyball, water polo, table tennis, and hockey, for the duration of the game.” 

The statement closed with “Besides, we all know that we’re just here for the commercials anyway.”

Students Excited to See Some Diversity in Collegetown Food Scene with Addition of New Asian Restaurant

EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant.

“I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Jimenez ‘21. “With Miyake closing, I wasn’t really sure where I would be able to satisfy my cravings for Asian food nearby.”

Some of the “foodier” residents of Collegetown are eager to see a new Asian restaurant arrive, as well. The news brings hope that Collegetown’s regional flavor profile might be elevated to the expectations of even the most refined local critics.

“A Pan-Asian place will really help quench the community’s thirst for a balanced, artisanal, and almost-exclusively East Asian plate,” said Jack Schmidtt ‘22. “With existing access to over a dozen Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Thai, Vietnamese, and Indian restaurants within a three-block radius, what more could someone want? Pan-Asian, of course! We’ve cracked the code! I mean, what else could we be missing?”

Jimenez and Schmidtt had no comment about Collegetown’s either absence or underrepresentation of Middle Eastern, Italian, Southern, Mexican, South American, Caribbean, African, Spanish, Eastern European, or French cuisine.

Photo Credit: Boris Tsang, Cornell Daily Sun

International Students Confused About Where Everyone Went

HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER – Huddled together in a common room of HILC, the twelve international students left all alone on campus are deeply confused about where everyone went.

“Hey, why’d everybody leave?” said bamboozled student Avi Khan after emerging to a cold, desolate wasteland. “Where would everyone need to be on the last Thursday of November?”

“They couldn’t have gone to do something, because Ithaca is fifty miles from the nearest major city, and there’s no reason to travel that far,” said freshman Kai Weston, making a detective map on a Goldwin Smith tackboard with red yarn tying together photos of his American friends. “Where could they have gone?! WHO TOOK THEM?”

At press time, a small cadre of European exchange students have assembled a search party that will meet tomorrow morning to look for the missing 20,000 students.

Students Too Sad to Masturbate Until Tomorrow or Friday Probably

CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest.

“The outcome of this election is an incredible travesty and will likely set our country back a hundred years, which is a reality far too somber for me to get and maintain a boner, at least until tomorrow night,” said David Sherman ’19, a moderately horny sophomore who had been rooting for a Clinton presidency.

“As an educated white male, I realize that this election will not affect me nearly as much as others. There are tens of millions of women and minorities in this country who are unsure what the future holds, and that’s incredibly scary, and also a huge boner killer. I can also assure you that many people feeling like me right now won’t be masturbating for another two or three days, but then they’ll probably get right back at it.”

Despite a temporary lack of interest in masturbating, most students have made it abundantly clear that this election would not affect their desire to drink alcohol anytime soon.

Local Girl Scout Militia To Enforce Fascist Agenda On Ho Plaza

HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall.

“These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution of the New Scout Order,” 3-star Scout General Karlie Berry barked at a 5 AM line-up to her troupe. The decorated, 4-feet 8-inches tall elementary school student continued, “We take their cash, we take their credit, we take Venmo, and if they have allergies, your primary objective is to secure a donation!”

As the next stages of their Ithaca takeover commence, Daisy and Brownie Troops have relinquished recess time to receive extensive training for improved implementation of cartwheeling and shirt tugging tactics at numerous campus outposts.

“Recently, we’ve gained intel that a number of civilians have been lying about not having money on them,” Phoebe Little of the 4th Brigade explained, motioning to a light blue petal pin on her sash. “That is in violation of the ‘Honest and Fair’ badge, which is a major offense. Something needs to be done.”

At press time, the Girl Scout’s battalion was seen setting up a blockade on Ho Plaza, only allowing through civilians who pledge their allegiance to their sovereign assortment of cookies.

Ithaca Airport Ranked Best Place To Be Delayed for Nine Hours

TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States.

“We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent in the facility, “I’ll tell you, it just warms my heart every day coming to work and seeing two or three families stranded here, no hope of leaving. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.”

Featuring not one, but two vending machines available in the populated waiting area, the Ithaca airport provides weary travelers with an intimate atmosphere while they anxiously await news of “abnormally high winds over Newark.” If patrons are successful in demanding their money back from one of the three airlines servicing Ithaca, the airport maintains a Budget Rent-A-Car so customers can make up for wasted time.

“If I had to pick a place to miss the birth of my grandchild because of low visibility, I’m sure glad it was Ithaca-Tompkins Regional,” said Craig Plebani, an Ithaca native.

The regional airport also placed high in rankings such as “Least Safe Place for Takeoff/Landing” and “Most Business Lost to the Bus Industry.”