Pathetic Waste of Space Thinks Staying in Ithaca Over Break Was Fun

Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break.

Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21 unconvincingly said that exploring the town and the multitude of unique activities it had to offer was somehow enjoyable. “I love Cornell! And, hey, any place can be fun!” said Waller. “I got lots of sleep.”

“She keeps saying that the drizzle in Ithaca was just as fun as going to the beaches of both California and Italy, like I did,” said Waller’s friend and roommate Ellen Liu ‘21. “I think she really believes it, even though not a single handsome stranger bought her cocktails in a drug-fueled rave.”

While most students had life-changing experiences in places like Madrid, Rome, and Daytona Beach, Waller is pleased that she finished all her schoolwork for the semester, leaving her free to party until May.


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