Fuck! Libe Slope Still There

WEST CAMPUS—Students on West Campus awoke this morning to a startling and deeply disturbing sight: Libe Slope.

“I really thought it would’ve eroded by now,” said Earth Sciences junior Thomas Fieldston. “I mean, you’ve got students marching on it all day, crazy unpredictable weather, and Goldwin Smith, which has gotta weigh a ton.”

Students are so disappointed by the slope’s continued existence that they are willing to take its removal into their own hands.

“My daddy owns a few construction companies, so I’ve asked the administration if he can bulldoze the Slope,” commented Dyson sophomore Natalie Mason. “Either that or they let him build a ski lift. My quads are getting too big from hiking to class.” When asked why she didn’t consider alternative travel methods such as the TCAT or a car, Mason described the bus as “embarrassing” and said she “would totally drive” but is “from Manhattan so [she doesn’t] have a license.”

While most students approved of Mason’s proposal, a few outliers opposed any change to Libe’s incredible size.

“It’s inspirational for me, you know?” said Hotelie sophomore Jared Smalls. “To see it every morning, standing so large and robust against the unending barrage.” He wiped a single tear from his cheek before continuing: “It’s just lasted so long.”

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