PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum.
“We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics like triple hand fisting and steel cable bondage,” said a frustrated Homans. “I thought by now we’d at least be learning about sex swing dynamics and how to determine the initial angle for optimal rapid-fire penetration.”
Before Professor Hazan could respond, Homans pulled up the course description, expressing confusion as to why “non-human primate attachment” did not mention animal roleplay once.
“It was either this course or petitioning to do my own independent study on the teacher-schoolgirl fetish,” said Homans. “I thought that lectures would consist of in-class demonstrations, so I figured taking Human Bonding would be more beneficial to my ‘learning’. Instead, she’s just talking about attachment theory and the science of attractiveness. Really vanilla stuff.”
Homans was later seen in Professor Hazan’s office hours, electrocuting his member every time he got a question wrong.
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