ITHACA—With less than a week until graduation, the class of 2022 has been feeling sentimental, especiallysenior Michael Cohan who claims to “want to savor every moment” and do so by partying hard enough to be blacked out the entire week.
“These are the last days I’ll have with my best friends,” lamented Cohan. “No more watching the sunset from the roof, no more late nights cramming for an exam, no more midnight 7/11 runs. I don’t want to forget a single second.” Cohan paused and took a large swig of a handle of vodka at his hip, before vomiting his entire lunch onto Linden Ave and collapsing from dehydration.
Senior week, the week between the end of final exams and graduation, is a time of celebration for graduates and for parties that start during the day and continue throughout the night, accompanied by copious amounts of alcohol. When asked about his senior week plans, Cohan replied that he was “planning to go through a case a day.”
“Yeah he’s not going to remember anything,” commented Winston Popperfield ‘22, one of Cohan’s housemates. “He stopped drinking water two days ago so that he can save room for more alcohol. It’ll be a miracle if he remembers graduation, or even makes it to graduation. But hey, at least he’ll be having fun.”
At press time, Cohan had no recollection of this interview.