Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. 

“I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going into the dark web to finally find her DUST report, Gomez realized she needs all the courses she’s taking to graduate on time. But she doesn’t need to take Jack. 

“Jack and I typically meet from 10:10-11:00 MWF. Outside of this ‘class-time’, I spend about 30 minutes a day going to my friends’ office hours to complain about him and get advice,” said Gomez while nervously cross-checking her Student Center with her color-coded Google Calendar. “We have a weekly discussion section about our relationship, but sometimes he skips because he doesn’t want to review the material. I guess Jack is about a 3 credit course.” 

In a quick email to Jack, Gomez addressed her need to spend more time on her other classes, despite learning a lot from him. She also acknowledged Jack’s failure to live up to the promises in his course description, which stated that they would both partake in “lively discussion” and that he would “foster her interests”. 

When asked if she could perhaps drop her 3 hours a week of virtual Bread Club meetings or even just watch fewer reruns of Friends and The Office in order to keep Jack and her classes, Gomez declined, citing that she still “has priorities.”

Freshman Forced to Pretend Senior Acquaintance Really Meant Something to Them

ITHACA—As seniors prepare to leave campus, they must come to terms with having to say farewell to their dear friends. Many freshmen, on the other hand, face a different problem: faking any semblance of sincerity in their goodbyes to senior acquaintances. 

Kyle Fernsby ‘23 is among the population of freshmen who aren’t friends with seniors, yet are so desperate for acceptance that they’d eat their own feet for a chance to appear socially competent. Forced to grapple with his total lack of any actual meaningful interaction, Fernsby must now feign affection for the seniors he genuinely hasn’t known long enough to form an opinion about. 

“With everything that’s happening in the world, there’s just so much more pressure for sentimental, personal goodbyes,” said Fernsby. “So here I am, preparing a thirty-minute video tribute set to Sarah McLachlan’s ‘I Will Remember You.”’ He then proceeded to poorly photoshop himself giving high fives to static photos of upperclassmen as the words “Ride or Die” scrolled across the screen in Comic Sans font. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll really miss… um, Kevin? Yeah, yeah, Kevin. He was a member of the business frat I joined. Cool…. cool guy. I think he plays basketball? Yeah, really such an integral part of my college experience,” said Fernsby, sweating profusely. At press time, it was discovered that the senior’s name was in fact Bernard, and not Kevin. 

When asked what they thought of Fernsby’s attempt at heartfelt farewell, each of his senior acquaintances expressed zero recollection of ever having met him. 

Absolute Freak Keeps Calling CS “Computer Science”

GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is.

“I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer science majors seem to want to help me. They just stare at me with a blank look and ask if I’m in the right class.”

Some of Fawkes’s associates have decided that his eccentricity is just too much, and have cut contact with him entirely.

“Yeah, I couldn’t keep that going,” said Fawkes’s former girlfriend Mikaela Richmond ‘23. “I just started to feel like he was messing with me—like he was speaking his own language, and I wasn’t in on the joke. I finally ended it when he asked me how I was liking ‘Industrial and Labor Relations’. I’m in ILR. How hard is that? For a boyfriend to remember your major?”

At press time, Fawkes shared experiences of shunning, even from peer counselors, being asked to leave without consultation when enquiring about “Cornell Empathy, Assistance and Referral Services”. 

Erudite Freshman Begins Answer With “When I Was Doing the Reading”

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Before answering a question proposed by his professor, freshman John Higgins ‘23 boldly implied to everyone in the room that he had actually done the required readings for class that day and that he was completely ready to deliver an adequate response.

“I really just wanted to clarify that I had done the reading for the day, a task that is normally expected of all of us,” said Higgins. “Despite this fact, some people do not do the readings and I just wanted to make it plainly known that I do, in fact, do all of the readings.”

As intended, Higgins’ act made a substantial impression upon his Professor. “In all of my years of teaching,” said Professor Gerald Drexler, “I have never seen a student with such a remarkable commitment to learning. On the one hand, doing the readings is a feat in itself. But telling me that you’ve done them? That’s simply astonishing. As such, I’ll definitely be rewarding John with a lot of extra credit at the end of the semester.”

While many of Higgins’ classmates also did the reading, none of them felt the need to make it known in this manner, much to their disadvantage. Although answering discussion questions may demonstrate a good level of reading retention, recent studies have shown that publicly announcing that you actually did the readings from your very high horse improves grades by a whole letter on average.

OP-ED: This Creative Writing Class Is By No Means an Excuse to Publish Your Sonic The Hedgehog Erotica

By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing

When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane into a vivid tapestry of emotions and feelings, rich with creativity and life. Those who passed through this course would often bring out a side of themselves they never knew existed. It was truly a pleasure to teach such an unparalleled vessel for expression on a campus that is far too ready to stifle it. 

However, after reading one student’s description of Knuckles’s “panting appreciation” of Sonic’s “prickly, wet, wriggly little hedgehog toes,” perhaps it is best if that creativity is extinguished altogether. 

No one should ever have to read, much less grade, seventeen pages of amateur literary pornography featuring the most debased sexual cravings of anthropomorphic hedgehogs. Let alone being an insult to the creators of these iconic characters, it is downright offensive to my eyes to have to pore over how Sonic’s “considerable circumference” penetrated Doctor Eggman’s “mechanical defenses” and revealed his “supple, plump buttocks.” Why on earth would I ever need to know about what Doctor Eggman’s ass looks like? How are the things these students are describing even physically possible? Oh God, the things they did to Tails…

And just because the content of these “writings” is certainly irredeemable, do not presume that the actual writing is any better. The number of run-on sentences, egregiously unfunny puns —I’m pretty sure I blacked out after reading someone say “Hey, quit hedge-hogging the lube!”— and random expository cuts are downright nauseating. 

Let me make myself perfectly clear; this Creative Writing class is by no means a pass to give your sophomoric, hormone-addled smut a wider audience. Keep this disgusting pass at “fan fiction”, if you can even call it that, where it belongs, on Newgrounds forums and the comment section of theorycrafting Youtube videos.

Brag Much? Area Freshman Puts Sock on Doorknob of Single

DONLON HALL—Despite having no roommates, Justin Palmer ’23  proudly displayed a sock on the doorknob of his hallway single after receiving female company late Wednesday evening. 

A sock on the doorknob, the widely-recognized warning signal to returning roommates of ongoing sexual activity, has traditionally been viewed as unnecessary when only one person occupies a room. Budding sexual superstar Palmer, however, reportedly believed his Wednesday night romp necessitated the cotton blend PR campaign. 

“He is the only person with a key to that door,” said neighbor Bryce Schwartz ’23. “I’m not really sure what he was trying to accomplish with this stunt, but I sure wish I had thought of it first. Palmer’s a legend.”

Palmer was unavailable for comment, as he was preoccupied with sending Snapchats to his high school ex-girlfriend subtly featuring a series of fresh hickies, texting his neighbors unprompted to “make sure things weren’t too loud over here”, and asking if anyone was “planning ‘a condom run’ anytime soon” in the Donlon GroupMe.

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Cool for Having 20 AP Credits Still Can’t Place Out of Being Lonely

LOW RISE 6—Although Evan Hammond ‘23 arrived at Cornell with enough AP credits to skip most of his basic engineering requirements, his high school efforts still haven’t been enough to alleviate the all-consuming loneliness he has felt the past two weeks.

“All my hard work in high school really paid off,” said Hammond, who spent this past Friday night scrolling through his Facebook feed and writing drafts of an /r/cornell post about his loneliness. “I don’t have to take single-variable calculus, or physics—what more could I want?”

Hammond told his parents last Thursday that he feels “well-prepared,” conspicuously not mentioning his unpreparedness to suddenly move to a new environment with no close friends.

“I love that I can spend my day attending upper-level classes, and almost none of the people who look like they’re sitting with their new pals in RPCC can say that,” he later stated.

As of press time, Hammond is telling himself not to worry because academics come before social life, knowing full-well that within a day the self-doubting thoughts of crushing isolation will return.

Balls-to-Wall Freshman Takes Mind Map Notes During First Lecture

URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique.

“I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was doing with that pen… I was awestruck,” said fellow classmate Erica Chan ‘23. “Seeing Daniel’s eight-pronged cloud diagram describing a five-part course grading structure, I was convinced that the markings on his paper had unlocked the full potential of human consciousness.”

After watching a YouTube video on the technique, which emphasizes relationships between concepts rather than linearity, Daniel decided that he too would use the organizational strategy employed by scrapbookers and third grade teachers alike to help him synthesize all the new information in his advanced college psychology classes. By the time classes rolled around, he had developed a pedal-to-the-metal attitude toward note-taking, amassed an otherworldly collection of colored pens, and fully trained his mind to transcend the boundaries of time.

“I let the pens do the work” said Fabre. “As soon as the professor divulged those tiered learning objectives, I knew the time had come for me to kick it into fifth gear and map out every corner of my thoughts.”

After two lectures of using the mind mapping technique, Daniel plans to revert back to just using bullet points, before ultimately opting to take pictures of the lecture slides on his iPad.

Fucking Moron Really Thought He Could Get a Spot on West

HIGH RISE 5—Despite the limited number of West Campus housing spots, total dumbass David Iyer ‘21 actually believed he had a shot at becoming one of the few upperclassmen to live on West Campus next year in the 2019-2020 housing lottery.

“I mean, I know Cornell’s a really big school,” said Iyer, a complete fuckwit. “But I’m a pretty lucky guy, and there’s no way the rooms fill up that quickly, right?”

Randomly assigned time slots were sent out March 4, giving the asshat plenty of time to realize that he had a fat fucking chance at a West Campus room. Other students in Iyer’s shitty timeslot had already begun looking for off-campus housing, but shit-for-brains Iyer still remained hopeful that he could obtain one of the coveted spots on West.

“It doesn’t have to be Becker or Bethe, but I’d really like to live somewhere on West, as long as it’s not a gothic,” said the naive shithead. “I mean, there’s no way a school like Cornell wouldn’t guarantee housing to all its students, right?”

Pending the obviously inevitable lack of space on West, Iyer has finally begun considering Collegetown housing. He is eagerly anticipating an influx of offers for affordable apartments with free parking and squeaky clean amenities.


Libe Cafe Haunted House Includes Freshman Orientation Group Asking to Hang Out Sometime

LIBE CAFE, ITHACA, NY— Enrique Gomez ‘19 found himself gripped by the spirit of Halloween when a harmless Libe cafe study break brought him face to face with everyone he stopped talking to the second day of freshman year.

“Most of the Halloween tchotchke doesn’t faze me all that much… Rubber spiders, perhaps a poorly-assembled spooky lawn art decoration,” said Gomez. “But running right into all eight members of my OL group, so intent on grabbing lunch next week—I’ve never seen anything so horrifying!”

Young Ja Kim ‘20, an onlooker to the incident, said Gomez wasn’t expecting Libe cafe to be representing Halloween so well. “They extended their hands to him, inviting him to join their table, and he looked like he was about to faint. They were all trying to bring back their first Cornell GroupMe.”

“One of them said we should hang out sometime,” continued Gomez. “But then they actually followed up! They asked me what days I was free, whether we should call in our Orientation Leader, and I knew I needed to get out of there. They even sent me a Google Calendar invite!”

After throwing away his phone to avoid the incessant GroupMe messages, Gomez suffered a similar episode Thursday evening upon being followed by the only person he remembers from CUOnTheHill.